Was watching TV last night when I saw a commercial for one of those big ol’ family rides that comes standard with two separate TVs and DVD players in the back. After I shot my own TV, I came up with this list of other things that make me want to die. If you ever find any of these items in my possession, please feel free to stab me in the neck with a toothbrush shiv.
1. A car with a TV/DVD player.
Like I’m not distracted enough behind the wheel, trying to talk on my cell phone while drinking my beer and lighting the crack pipe. Nobody needs this. If you really can’t stand your kids so much that you have to keep them glued to the TV for the 20 minutes it takes to drive them to the babysitter’s house before you head over to the gym for your daily attempt to seduce your personal trainer, just sell them on the black market and be done with it.
2. Moulin Rouge!
Worst movie ever made, almost as horrible as its uber-fans. Not even the good kind of bad, either. Like Shaolin Dolemite
3. A sweater vest
Or, frankly, any other kind of vest. Only two types of men should own vests: gay cowboys and Han Solo. Last I checked, I wasn’t either.
4. An NRA or GOP membership card
Don’t think I need to explain this one.
5. Subscription to Maxim
Nothing says “Hi, I plan to get you drunk at a frat party then rape you in a closet after you pass out” like Maxim. In fact, I’m pretty sure that was the cover of their August issue.
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of other things that didn’t quite make the list yet still make me want to eat my own liver. Toupees, for instance. Or mustard.
