So during Ani’s birthday party yesterday, I couldn’t help but notice that none of you presented her with the appropriate offerings. No random packages of frankincense, no myrrh, no new henchmen. I was extremely disappointed.
Then I realized it was really my fault, that I failed to give you all ample warning of the coming birthday (though I would have expected you all to see the signs). I’m sorry. I’ve explained to Her Highness that the lack of gifts wasn’t a sign of your insolence and begged for forgiveness on your behalf. She’s generously agreed not to put you all to work in the mines. This time.
Thing is, Our Hero has a birthday coming up in just under two months, too. My thirty-fourth. The last birthday I’ll have where I’ll still be closer to my 20s than my 40s… the last birthday before I move out of that prime age bracket all the advertisers target… the last birthday before I could run for President (could, that is, if it weren’t for that illustrious Naval career…). You get the idea.
I’d me remiss in my duties if I failed to give you proper warning about this one. Her WillSoonRuleTheWorldishness is not as forgiving as I am, and you might find yourself working in a coal mine (going down down down) should you again fail to pay homage.
But I’m here for you.
I realize that some of you might not know exactly what offerings are proper in this situation, so I’ve compiled a list of examples. This is far from all-inclusive, but it should give you a general idea. For your convenience, I’ve limited the list to items readily available on Amazon.com
1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
Like many of you, I have the occasional need to smite my foes. Nothing says “Bitch, get off my lawn” better than the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank. If the JL421 just doesn’t scream “future leader’s father’s birthday” to you, any former Soviet armaments will substitute nicely.
2. Relaxman Relaxation Capsule
Let’s face it, thirty-four is old. And raising the future ruler of the world while holding down a 40+ hour/week day job and trying to squeeze some writing in on the side? Not making me any younger. If I want to live to see Anikka’s ascension, I’m going to need a Relaxman Relaxation Capsule to help me through these trying times.
3. Outdoor Sauna 8′x8′ Finlandia DLOD88
Did you know that my wife, Silja, is Finnish? Yep. She was born there and spent several formative years in that great Scandinavian nation before heading to the USofA. That means Ani’s 1/2 Finnish, and makes me legally 3.98% Finnish by marriage. How can you expect us to raise our little Finn hybrids properly without this staple of Finnish culture? Sure, our junkie neighbors might have to see me walking to and fro naked on occasion after we build this in the backyard, but considering how many times I’ve had to see them passed out on their lawns I think it’s only fair that they have to see my glorious fat naked arse from time to time.
Did you seriously already forget? I’m a big fucking dork.
5. Canon XL-H1 3CCD High Definition Camcorder with 20x Optical Zoom
No, it’s not for making amateur porn (we already have the in-home three camera sitcom set in the basement for that), but what kind of father would I be if I didn’t record the finest quality home videos of Her Growinguptoofastness to share with future subjects of Anitopia? Why would anybody want to waste their time with some Johnny Depp crapfest when they could watch Ani at the beach, or Ani at the zoo, or Ani flogging insolent minions, etc.?
And can you imagine how much YouTube ass I’d kick if I had that camera AND the fucking Vader costume?!
Like I mentioned, this list if far from complete. Use your best judgment. Just remember that I like peanut butter and shiny things and you’ll do fine.
