Few weeks back, I wrote about a post about things that make me want to puke on kittens, a list of random things that all had one thing in common: they made me want to puke on kittens.
Thing is, more often than not, my kitten-vomit is induced by people rather than objects. As such, that previous list was grossly inadequate. So, before I keep rambling on and end up with no other choice but to add myself to it, I bring you People Who Make Me Want to Puke on Kittens. In no particular order…
- Public Transportation Cell Phone Talker Lady. Yes, lady. Granted, you occasionally find a dude playing the part, but 99% of the time it’s the woman sitting across the aisle from you who can’t sit down and shut the fuck up for the 15 minute ride home.
While you and your fellow passengers are trying to read your books, listen to your music, or just tune out the world and pretend you don’t hate your life for a few minutes each day, she’s sitting there, mouth agape, vomiting some fascinating story about absolutely nothing to someone who probably wants her to just die as much as you do.
The worst of the bunch? The ones who pull this shit in the morning. If one of my friends called me from the train at 6:30am just to shoot the shit, I’d have no choice but to pull on some clothes, drive down to his office, and pummel him. And yet, PTCPTL seems to think this is somehow OK. It’s not. And she should pay for her sins.
- Gay People Who Say ‘Everyone’s a Little Gay.’ Twice in my life, I’ve had gay men say this to me. Both times, it was a Line. They wanted a piece of my sweet ass and, after their initial pick-up attempts were met with my apologetic ‘Sorry, not interested, I’m straight,’ they tried to convince me otherwise using The Line.Now, maybe you think I’m just being Straight Guy Who Thinks That All Gay Men Want a Piece of His Action. Fair enough. Let me clarify.First time I heard this line? I was introduced to Gay Man among a group of mutual friends. I reached out my hand to shake his. He reached out and grabbed my package. He then spent the next 15 minutes trying to convince me I was gay and that he was the man who’d prove it, complete with more details than I wanted to hear about how he’d had little ’straight boys’ before, etc.
Second time was in Vancouver, BC. A little Latino guy (Carlos) started chatting me up, etc. Told him I was straight, he gave me The Line. Then he continually tried to reiterate his point, not believe my straightness. He never did actually believe it in the end, but rather backed off when a rather large friend of mine came over and started talking to me. Carlos thought my “lover” was going to kick his ass.
And let’s, for a second, assume I’m wrong about this one, that it isn’t just a Line. Why do gay people who say this think it has to be true? Are they still so insecure about their own homosexuality that they need to use this line to convince people that we’re all alike?
You’re gay, I’m straight. Now let’s just shut the fuck up about it, get some beer and nachos, and watch some Battlestar Galactica together.
- Portlanders. There are a lot of things to love about this area. Unfortunately, Portlanders aren’t one of them.Actually, to be fair, I should probably narrow this down to Portland Hipsters, but there are so damn many of them around here that I think I can get away with lumping all the Portlanders together.
In brief, you have a huge group of people who each think they’re “different” and/or “uncool.” And, maybe in another city, that might be the case. But in Portland? Where you can’t throw a rock without breaking some thick-rimmed glasses?
Truth is that they’re exactly what they think they despise. They believe they’re free-thinkers because they “don’t let society tell them how to live/think/dress/act,” and yet that’s exactly what they’re doing. Sure, they might try to go in the opposite direction, but society is still their compass. If they really wanted to tell the world to fuck off, they’d harness some good ol’ fashioned apathy. But I guess that’s not supposed to come back into style until the 90s are retro…You know what the opposite of “cool” really is? It’s not “uncool.” It’s Plain. Cool people (and uncool people) stand out. Sarah PlainAndTall and Joe Average are the opposite of cool.
- Tre Arrow. Speaking of idiot Portlanders…For you out-of-towners, Tre Arrow is the knucklehead poster boy for the retard environmentalist movement in the Northwest. Here he is a few years ago, camped out on the ledge of the US Forest Service building protesting, well, I’m not sure he actually knows what:
And here’s a Willamette Week article about him. And some Wikipedia action.
In case you don’t want to read those other bits, after his little camp out, dude was “allegedly” involved with a group of people who firebombed some logging equipment back in 2001. His cohorts were nabbed by the feds and ratted him out to reduce their own sentences. He split for Canada, where he was recently arrested for shoplifting and is fighting extradition back to the USofA.
Maybe it’s not fair to single him out. I mean, if W and Dick didn’t make the cut, why Tre “Don’t Call Me Michael James Scarpitti” Arrow be on the list? Simple. It’s my fucking blog. And I don’t like him or the other knucklehead wannabe anarchist types who think they have to rally against something just for the sake of Rallying Against Something. They never know exactly what they’re up in arms about and they bring negative attention to what potentially might be a good fight. I think they’re planted by The Man.
- Special People. Remember that part where I said these were in no particular order? Well, I lied. I saved the worst for last.These are the people who thinks that laws and rules should exist, but that they should only apply to you. They, on the other hand, can do whatever the fuck they want and you just have to deal with their sheer specialness.Here’s an artists rendering of a case of specialitis I see pretty much daily:
So there are two lines of Normals, one coming down from the top trying to turn left, another coming up from the bottom and curving to the right. Special Person is in that second line, but decides that he doesn’t need to wait for everyone else. Instead, he passes everyone until he gets to that second intersection, the one with the No Right Turn sign. He bypasses the Normals waiting patiently, ignores the traffic sign, cuts off the Normals coming from the top, and manages to cut 3.2 minutes off his commute by fucking everyone else. If you see Special Guy on the street, please, feel free to beat him.
That is all.
