neverbeencool

22 Apr, 2008

The Saddest Thing You’ll See Today

Posted by: Justin In: Booze

I…

I’m devastated.

I mean, you hear about this kind of thing all the time but you never think it could happen to someone you love.

I really don’t even want to write about it. The wound’s just too fresh, still too… real.

But I can’t just sit idly by and let this travesty continue. Someone needs to stand up and speak for those who can’t speak for themselves. Someone needs to educate the masses. And if not me, who? If not now, when?

Ok. I think I’m ready to share. After the jump, you’ll see what’s tearing me up so. I just couldn’t put the image on the front page. Too risky. Children might see, might have nightmares.

What lies ahead isn’t for the faint of heart. If I could, I’d have you sign some kind of waiver before continuing on. But you’ve been warned.

The Horror!  The Horror!

The horror… the horror.

That, friends, is exactly what it looks like: an EMPTY bottle of Scotch.

After the kids went to bed last night, we turned on TNT and watched the Jazz beat up on the Rockets. I went in to the kitchen and poured myself what turned out to be the last few drops of this bottle, a gift from Silja last Valentine’s Day. Now, this empty bottle is all that remains. It’s probably sitting out on top of the recycling bin right now, waiting for some gruff man to take it off to its final resting place.

I know, I know. I tried to warn you, tried to tell you that this tale of woe would hit hard. You simply can’t be prepared for this kind of gruesome scene.

But all is not lost. This bottle wasn’t our last hope. No. There is another.

Clearly, we can’t replace this bottle. It’s gone, and we just have to move forward. Bringing home another bottle of The Glenlivet 18 Year Old would just remind us of the one that’s gone. Gone, gone, gone. We have to move on, to find someone new.

And that’s exactly what we’ve done. We went out and found a new bottle of Scotch we’d like to bring into our home. Oh, you’d love him. Granted, he’s a little older than most, but with his superb blend of spices, hazelnut, sweet orange marmalade and other fruits? How could we let him stay out on the streets, selling himself to Gods only know who?

Thing is, though, that we can’t bring him home yet. Not without your help.

For just pennies a day, you can sponsor The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969 and help make him part of the family. With your generous contribution, you’ll receive:

  • Photos of The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969
  • Personalized letters from The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969
  • Regular updates to help you monitor The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969’s progress
  • And, if you live in the Portland area, the chance to visit The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969 in person

Won’t you help make The Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969 part of our family? Together, we can make a difference.

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11 Responses to "The Saddest Thing You’ll See Today"

1 | mickey

April 22nd, 2008 at 9:21 am

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I already gave at work. Sorry.

(I hope that is the saddest thing I see all day. Still, I feel for you. Stay strong.)

2 | Aaron B. Hockley

April 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 am

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By “visit in person” you mean, “come drink a bunch of it”… right?

3 | Jamie

April 22nd, 2008 at 11:49 am

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This kind of breaks my heart. Just a tad.

4 | Kiala

April 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm

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750 DOLLARS? AMERICAN DOLLARS???!?

Is that possible? Is it made out of gold? If I drink it will it get me a well paying soul satisfying career? WILL IT MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL?

5 | Justin

April 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm

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Mickey – I’m trying. Every minute is a struggle.

Aaron – Sure. Of course, the amount you get would be proportional to the amount you contribute. 750 mL in the bottle… about 25.36 ounces… So for every $29.57 you kick down toward the cause, you get a shot.

Jamie – Me, too. Me, too.

Kiala – Yes. Yes. Yes. More of an amber, I’d say. Absolutely. And I’m not sure, but it at least makes everyone else look that much better.

I ran to the liquor store downtown during my lunch to see if they carried it. No luck on that, but they did have a $1500 bottle of Irish Whisky. They claim it was distilled in the 50s, but have you ever heard of the Irish leaving liquor around untouched for that long?

6 | Megan Pinckney

April 22nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm

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Your warning was not strong enough. Not strong enough. I was just thinking to myself how a nice bottle of scotch was just the pick-me-up I needed. But now I will spend the last 10 minutes at work curled up under my desk.

7 | Chris

April 23rd, 2008 at 8:05 am

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And the playoffs are on!!!!

Also, ever had The MaCallan? It’s pretty damn good.

Chris Paul for MVP PLEASE. Kobe should not fucking win.

8 | chris

April 23rd, 2008 at 8:07 am

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And the playoffs just started!!!

Ever tried The MaCallan? Good stuff.

Also, Chris Paul should win the MVP. Not Kobe.

9 | chris

April 23rd, 2008 at 6:39 pm

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sorry about that dude.

10 | melissa lion

April 24th, 2008 at 12:58 pm

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A fallen soldier…

11 | Jacob

April 24th, 2008 at 5:37 pm

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I wish I were living in Portland. Does that count for an in-person meeting with the Glenlivet Cellar Collection 1969? And what if I just donated the full amount. Would I be able to show up at your doorstep and drink the whole bottle in front of you?

Actually, I’ve got some good tolerance, but I think it would take me a couple of days to make it through the whole bottle without ruining our experience (mine and the bottle’s). Would it be ok if I crashed on your couch?

Comment Form


  • mickey: Now THAT"S a good pirate. Although it is certainly not my desire to walk the plank, I feel I'm given no choice in light of the gleaming saber and a
  • Chad Broadus: Ha! That's awesome. Jesus, she's all grown up now!
  • Jacob: Holy Crap? A post from Justin? And just in time for National Blog Posting Month. I demand you post once a day, every day until December.

About

Justin is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, with a chocolate coating and a gooey nougat center.

If you just can't get enough of his rambling incoherent charm, contact him at justin@neverbeencool.com and tell him he's pretty.