A couple weeks ago, one of my co-serfs from our Texas office came to town. Being his first time in Oregon, he was ill-prepared for what happened after he rented his ride. From his first attempts at filling up the tank to his encounters with free-range cyclists, the whole experience left him cowering in the corner of his hotel room, wetting himself while crying in the fetal position.
Clearly, it’s too late to help him. He’s back in Texas now, probably now the replacement love-toy of some cowboy whose favorite steer ran away and who tries to hide his homosexual urges by acting all muy macho. But for anyone else planning a trip or move to the Rose City, may I present…
Justin’s Guide to Driving In and Around Portland
1. Gas (or Petrol, for those of you who don’t speak ‘Merican)
You might think you’re down on oil companies and cartels, but nobody walks the walk like Oregonians. The Oregonian aversion to Big Oil runs so deep that they simply refuse to sully themselves through physical contact with gas pumps. Rather than pump their own gas, they instead employ thousands of Petroleum Relocation Engineers to do this dirty job for them. Should you attempt to pump your own gas in Oregon, you can expect to be beaten about the face and neck by the on-duty gas huffer.
2. Pedestrians
One of two protected species found within the Portland City Limits (cyclists being the other), Pedestrians are guarded at all costs. Failure to yield the right away to Pedestrians under any of the following circumstances will result in a Rodney King-like beating at the hands of Portland’s Finest.
- A Pedestrian in a marked crosswalk.
- A Pedestrian in an unmarked crosswalk.
- A Pedestrian on the sidewalk considering the possibility of becoming a Pedestrian in a crosswalk (marked or unmarked).
- A Pedestrian in a house.
- A Pedestrian with a mouse.
- A Pedestrian in a box.
- A Pedestrian with a fox.
You may also be forced to remove your non-prescription hipster glasses for up to 60 days, depending on the severity of the offense.
3. Multitasking
With Seattle so close by, people often forget that Portland and its suburbs are home to numerous computer and technology companies. It’s a haven for the Open Source community, with luminaries like Linus Torvalds calling the place ‘home.’
With such a technology presence, it should be no surprise that the ability to multitask is essential to driving in Oregon. This gentleman, for instance, is a true Oregon Driver:
Driving should not get in the way of enjoying a good book.
4. Turn Signals are for Pussies.
While driving in Oregon, never EVER attempt to signal before turning, changing lanes, etc. By alerting other drivers of your intentions, you give them the chance to counteract before you make your move. It’s like having an obvious tell in poker, or telegraphing your left hook. The results? The gap in the lane next to you will close instantly and Anarchists will spontaneously begin to demonstrate in the street you thought you were going to turn into. Turn signals are yellowish for a reason: they’re for pussies.
5. Cyclists
As mentioned above, Cyclists are the other protected species in Oregon. In fact, there are more free-range wild Cyclists in Portland than in any other city found in Multnomah County.
Despite their erratic behavior and characteristic odor, most Cyclists are harmless. They can be a bit aggressive, however, so you should always be cautious and aware of your surroundings, especially while driving through downtown. Thankfully, the city has posted signs that not only warn you of potential free-range Cyclists in the area, but that also remind you that they are, indeed, retarded:
Free-range Cyclists are Dumb
Sadly, not all Cyclists remain free, with some of the wealthy, trendier Portlanders attempting to domesticate Cyclists caught in the wild. While you do need to obtain special permits to purchase or import a domesticated Cyclist, the number of privately owned Cyclists is growing at an alarming rate.
You’ll see hints of this spreading fad all over Portland, as illustrated by this traffic sign warning motorists to be aware of people walking their Cyclists:
Pedestrian walking a Cyclist
In general, the same leash laws that govern dogs apply to domesticated Cyclists. Owners are also expected to clean up after their Cyclists but, sadly, few do so.
6. Bridges
The Willamette River cuts through the center of Portland, necessitating a number of bridges (8.6 million at last count). Most are drawbridges, so be prepared for the occasional lift. They’re few and far between, however, and generally announced well in advance to avoid major traffic mishaps.
Drivers from other areas are generally able to handle bridge lifts, but seldom are visitors prepared by the situation symbolized in this other Portland traffic sign:
Warning: Evel Knievel Crossing
Unless you’re from Vegas and used to seeing the legendary daredevil in action, it’s imperative that you heed this warning and be prepared to get the holy fuck out of the way.
Welcome to Portland.
