neverbeencool

Last official day of work before I head to Texas, where here “last official day” means “last day for other people to work, but the beginning of yet another weekend in the office for Our Hero.” Happy happy. Joy joy.

Unfortunately, I still have a few last minute preparations I need to take care of today, plus meetings and an appointment to sign all the closing papers. Again… All of which means that I won’t have time to put together the usual character-driven, intricately-detailed masterpieces I normally write.

Or, rather, that I would write. If I cared. Which I don’t. Just so we’re clear.

No, folks, today you just get a potpourri (which, thanks to years of Jeopardy!, I know means ‘random shit we’re using as filler but that isn’t good enough to have a category of its own’) of random thoughts and observations that probably don’t amount to anything.

Or that could very well lead you to the Holy Grail. So pay attention.

1. Beer at kids’ shows
They served beer at the Dan Zanes show last week at the Aladdin, something that caught me a little off guard. I know I said that DZ isn’t like most other kids crap and that parents could actually enjoy his stuff, too, but I didn’t think that included having a pint at the gig. Just kinda threw me off.

Don’t get me wrong, being surrounded by other people’s kids makes me want to drink, too, but this dangerous ground. After all, how many of those kids were conceived by drunk parents to begin with? 95, 96 percent? So now they’re drinking more because they’re surrounded by other kids, which will lead to them making a stupid mistake and having MORE children… Which means more kids around to drive other parents to drink…

It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped.

2. His was the most… human.
If I can’t convince Silja and the kids to snort my ashes with Keith Richards after my impending death, I want to spend eternity in the casket on the bottom of this page. I’d hate for future civilizations to confuse me with someone who wasn’t a big fucking dork when they eventually unearth my body from deep within the tomb my followers will undoubtedly construct for me in the near future. Get to work, minions. I ain’t gettin’ any younger here.

3. One Hundred Years of Kite Running With a Thousand Splendid Lives of Pi
I’m always so damn shocked to find out that ‘good’ books are exactly that. I started reading One Hundred Years of Solitude this week and fell in love with it* after just a couple of pages.

Same thing happened to me with Kite Runner and Life of Pi. I heard all about how wonderful they were from various pretentious assholian sources, so I naturally thought they’d be crap. Then I ended up picking them up and finding out that even pretentious assholes are right sometimes. Rarely.

Side note: Khaled Hosseini is fantastic. I heart him now. His books are the only reason I’ll continue to give new fiction a chance, especially when there are so many older books I haven’t read yet, even if that means potentially missing out on another Lolita**.

4. Hazard Light Lady
When she did it yesterday, I was annoyed but sympathetic. After all, most people don’t drive on the freeway at 5 mph while chatting on their cell phones and with their hazard lights on if they aren’t having a problem.

But when I saw her doing the same thing today, I was pissed.

Quick geography lesson for those of you outside the Portland area. Portland is right on the northern border between Oregon and Washington, a border that, in this area, is marked by the mighty Columbia River.

Vancouver, Washington is just on the other side of the border and, while it’s in a different state, is practically a suburb of the larger metropolitan city. As such, many people live in one place and work in the other (including Our Hero).

Obviously, with a big fucking river separating the two places, the only way to drive from one to the other is by crossing a bridge (there are two that span the Columbia in the vicinity). I’m sure you can imagine the kinds of traffic bottlenecks those two crossings represent during rush hour.

Now imagine some dumb skank who insists on driving her car across said bridge, even though it isn’t equipped for the task. Her car is practically stalled on the freeway every morning, single-handedly cutting the capacity of the bridge by 33% because she’s blocking one of the three available lanes. And she’s apparently doing it every morning.

Right now, the two states are gearing up for a new big river crossing project to relieve this congestion problem. Might eventually lead to the construction of another bridge and the extension of light-rail into Vancouver, but will take decades and cost many millions (if not billions). I have a cheaper, faster plan: shoot this chick and feed her to the homeless.

5. New BSG Tonight
And papa got a brand new DVR from Comcast a few days ago, so guess who won’t have to stay up past his bedtime any more? Here’s hoping something actually happens this time around.

And the Boy’s education will continue this weekend, with Terminator 2 scheduled for Saturday. I’d make him watch it sooner, but he’s had rehearsals for his school’s production of The Sound of Music pretty much every day until 9 or 10ish lately. If you just can’t get enough of that Von Trapp wackiness, the show opens on May 8th.

When I’m in Texas…

*The damn-this-is-a-great-book kind of love, not the I-want-to-make-sweet-sweet-love-to-it-paper-cuts-be-damned kind. Perv.

**The book, not actual nymphettes. Seriously, you have a problem.