Noticed a new digit on the sign above the Chevron down the street from Casa del Justino.
Yes, you’re hearing it here first: gas is expensive. And rightfully so. How else would you expect to keep those poor oil company execs and investors off the streets if they can’t make an honest buck or two at the pumps?
Still, though, I feel like it’s my obligation as a man of the people to let you know about your options, about the other perhaps more beneficial ways you can spend your money. More specifically, how you can spend your money on me.
Ok, so let’s say your ride has a 15-gallon tank and gets about 25 miles-per-gallon. And let’s say you’re paying four bucks per, just to make the math easier. That means you’d pay $60 to fill your tank.
Or….
You can use that $60 to buy me one of these fabulous items:
Four 12-packs of Fat Tire or Mirror Pond
Safeway: 4@12.99 = $51.96.
At the rate I consume alcohol these days, that would last me nearly two months. If you selfishly wasted it on gas, you’ll probably just need to do it all over again in a week or so. Are you really telling me you’ll choose one week of driving for you over 8 weeks of intoxication for me? You selfish prick.Note:You’ll need to add another $2.40 for the deposit if you buy them in Oregon, or about $4.05 if you pick them up in Washington (sales tax). Still leaves you enough left over to pay for the gas you’d need to deliver them to my house.
Mario Cart Wii
Amazon.com: $49.99 and $9.99, respectively
Yeah, I know. Everyone’s talking about GTA 4 right now, but give me break. I’ve got young kids around, and I don’t want my thirteen-year-old learning about beating hookers to death with golf clubs until I’m ready to teach him myself.
Seventeen pints of Phish Food
Safeway: 17@$3.50 = $59.50
Don’t get me wrong here, I can’t stand hippies. But when you make them into an ice cream? Mmm… That’s some good shit.
Four Bratz Dolls
About $15 each
I despise these things. All of you who think Barbies give girls a negative body image? Head through the toy aisle some time and see if you don’t feel unclean looking at these things. They should start coming with better, more realistic accessories, too… like a dose of Plan B or a shot of penicillin.
If you buy me these things, I’ll make sure they’re destroyed before they corrupt another young girl.
Shogun
Amazon.com: $58.99
Back in the ’80s, the miniseries was King Shit of Fuck Mountain, ruling the airways like no force before or since (fuck Dancing With American Idol’s Funniest Videos). Some were better than others, of course, but one thing guaranteed success: casting Richard Chamberlain. Sure, most people know him better from that other miniseries a few people seemed to tolerate
Plus, unlike The Thorn Birds, it’s not gay.
