In case I haven’t made it clear (what, with the name of this site and my love of old school Star Trek), I’m a big dork. Never been cool, not even for a minute.
In fact, the closest I’ve been to Cool was this time about ten years ago when we ended up at the same party. I said “Hey!”, and Cool, being cool and all, just said “’sup..” and walked off.
My stepson has no misconceptions about my social status. In spite of my mad freestyle rapping skillz and my vast Trivial Pursuit collection, he sees me as the anti-cool poster child I am.
And who can blame him? For his whole life, he’s known me as the guy who works the 9-5 job and who checks on the homework and who makes him scoop the litter boxes and who preaches incessantly about the merits of James Tiberius. Hardly the kind of person a 13-year-old boy dreams of being when he grows up.
To him, I’m the Man. The Establishment. I have no cool cachet whatsoever.
And I’m totally fine with that. I don’t think parents should be cool. I’m supposed to be a role model, not a buddy. That’s not to say we can’t have fun together, of course, but it does mean that I need to always present myself in a certain way, that he doesn’t need to necessarily know that his straight-laced step-poppa used to be a homeless* pot-head on the lam.
If that means he sees me as a big dork, fine. Just as long as he gets a good, well-rounded education, becomes a good person, and does something that makes him happy.
And puts us in a good home later.
But you, my friends, you get to know a little secret. Ready?
There was a time, a long time ago**, when, while never cool myself, I did associate with coolness for a little while. ‘Tis true (even though nobody cool ever said “’tis” in his life).
I even have a little proof: concert ticket stubs. Let this be a testament to the fact that, in his youth, Renny’s stepdad did, on occasion, flirt with cool. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are all the shows I have proof of attending*** (in no particular order):
- Fishbone – Visage, Orlando – 1994
- Midnight Oil (with Ziggy Marley and Hothouse Flowers) – The Edge, Orlando – 1993
- Filter (with Everclear) – Rose Quarter Outdoor Commons, Portland – Date Unknown
- The Who (with Billy Idol) – Rose Garden, Portland – 1996
- The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – La Luna, Portland – 1996
- Sex Pistols – Civic Auditorium, Portland – 1996
- Super Diamond – Crystal Ballroom, Portland – 1998
- Weezer – La Luna, Portland – 1996
- The DJ Spooky Experience – Crystal Ballroom, Portland – 1998
- Tori Amos – Paramount Theater, Seattle – 1996
- Lollapalooza 1995 (Hole, Beck, Sonic Youth, Cypress Hill, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, etc) – George, WA – 1995
- Tenacious D**** – Roseland Theater, Portland – 2000
- The Dead Milkmen – The Station, Orlando – 1994
- Violent Femmes – La Luna, Portland – 1998
- Beastie Boys – Rose Garden, Portland – 1998
- Porno for Pyros – La Luna, Portland – 1996
- Belly (with Radiohead) – Visage, Orlando – 1993
- Nirvana (with The Breeders) – Lakeland Civic Arena, Tampa – 1993
- Lenny Kravitz (with Blind Melon) – The Edge, Orlando – 1993
- Stone Temple Pilots***** – Lakewood Amphitheater, Atlanta – 1994
- The Kids in the Hall****** – Orpheum Theatre, Vancouver BC – 2000
So there, kids. In case you ever find this site, there’s some proof that your old man used to be kinda sorta close to being cool. Ish. Back before music started to suck. And when we used to use cassette tapes and CDs. Now get off my lawn and turn on Matlock.
*Not the living in the streets kind of homeless, more the dirty hippie kind… the ones that have no job or no permanent residence and bounce from couch to couch feeding off the kindness of friends and strangers.
Except I showered.
And I hate Phish.
And the Dead.
**Let’s be clear on this one. This isn’t an early indicator of a pending midlife crisis or some desperate yearning for the “glory days.” I’m very happy with the family side of things and love the idea of getting my Ward Cleaver on. I think a lot of us Gen Xers are thrilled to be able to be the parents we often didn’t have.
***Also remember seeing, in no particular order (and with no supporting evidence):
- The Ramones (with Frank Black) – The Edge, Orlando – Date Unknown
- Beck (with Sonic Youth) – Champoeg State Park, Salem – Date Unknown
- George Clinton and P-Funk All Stars – La Luna, Portland – Date Unknown
- Soul Coughing – Washington Park Rose Garden, Portland – Date Unknown
- Dan Zanes (2) – Aladdin Theater, Portland – 2007, 2008
I’m sure I’m missing a few here, too… Probably more than a few that I’d be ashamed to admit, even if I still had the stubs…
****Saw The D another time at Berbati’s Pan in Portland a few years earlier. Got to meet Jack Black and Kyle Gass before the show, and would have had the chance to go to the after-party with them if my roommate/designated driver hadn’t been so drunk that he fell and broke his wrist… Selfish prick.
*****Tried to go to their show in Orlando a few months previous, but ended up getting kicked out after I got in a fight with someone. Details for another day, but rest assured that I’m totally not That Guy. Freak circumstance.
******Ok, not a concert. But fuck it, it was fun.
