Ok, so here’s the thing…
Turns out that there’s no video of my fourth pukey commercial anywhere on the Internet. Nothing I can find, at least. And since it’s a commercial for a SciFi Channel Original movie, I doubt that most of you have even seen it. Might make this post even more nonsensical than usual. Don’t feel too bad, though. You’re probably better off not seeing it.
If you have a life, you might not know that the SciFi Original Movies suck of the ass. They’re really and truly awful. And not the Shaolin Dolemite kind where you can appreciate them solely on their ass-suckery merits. No, we’re talking more so-bad-they-couldn’t-even-get-Brenden-Fraser bad. In fact, the only things that might be worse than the movies themselves are the ads promoting them. And the one for Heatstroke is one of the worst.
The tagline pretty much tells you all you need to know about it:
She’s an ex-model. He’s an elite commando.
They’re going to solve global warming –
by stopping the aliens who are causing it!
Basically, it’s Jurassic Park, with dinosaurs from space. And girls in bikinis. Stars DB Sweeney and some of the most awful special effects seen on TV since Land of the Lost was canned. Oh, and the ex-model… nay, ex-bikini model? Danica McKellar.
So the commercial, specifically the teaser spot? Just a woman running down the beach in a bikini with something chasing her. That’s it. It’s like the execs and the marketing people at the SciFi Channel just fucking gave up. I’m pretty sure their last meeting went something like this:
Douchebag 1: So, what have we got?
Douchebag 2: Heatstroke.
Douchebag 1: What is it?
Douchebag 2: It’s Jurassic Park on a beach, with little Winnie Cooper in a bikini. And the dinosaurs are from another planet. AND they’ve caused global warming.
Douchebag 1: Fantastic! Sounds like a winner!
Douchebag 2: Well, there’s a little problem…
Douchebag 1: Talk to me.
Douchebag 2: Well, thing is… The story’s been done 8 million times, and our script is awful.
Douchebag 1: Is Brenden Fraser attached?
Douchebag 2: We tried. He said it didn’t meet his standards. He’s an artiste.
Douchebag 1: Fuck.
Douchebag 2: It gets worse. Our budget is, like, nothing. Our space dinosaurs look like my last bowel movement.
Douchebag 1: Well, what DO we have to work with here?
Douchebag 2: Tits.
Douchebag 1: Tits?
Douchebag 1: Yes, tits. It all takes place on an island during a bikini calendar photo shoot. We’ve got like ten hours of footage of women running down the beach in slow motion. Like Baywatch, but without the class. Tits o’ plenty.
Douchebag 2: Well, who needs Brenden Fraser?! Fuck it, just show the tits!
And thus, this shitty ass promo was born.
I really do feel bad for the marketing people over there, though. They have to try to promote original crappy movies with no budget and for a channel that God forgets exists.
Except every Friday at 10pm. Because BSG kicks ass.
