I wish I was rich. Filthy, stinking, rotten rich.
Not just for the obvious reasons, either. I mean, who doesn’t want to quit his job and move in next to the Depps, or have enough money to have people whacked? Those things are a given.
I want to be rich so I can spoil the Princess properly. And while we give it our best now (see Exhibit A: The Stuffed Princess Bedroom and Exhibit B: The Incredible Shrinking Bank Balance), there are a few things we can’t provide.
Like spare refrigerators.
Every night, Her Highness requires us to place a glass of ice water and a small bowl of something snacky next to her bed. Might be some Triscuits or some dry breakfast cereal, something like that. She usually doesn’t eat much of it, just a bite or two, but something about it comforts her so we’re happy to oblige.
Plus, she’s a skinny little grazer who only eats a few bites at random times throughout the day, so we don’t worry about her snacking too much and turning into another fat American like her Pa. If anything, she might need to eat a little more (she’s a size 4 length with a 3T waist).
Anyway. So the ice water…
Has to have ice. Just part of the deal.
And here’s how it went down last night:
FADE IN
INT. KITCHEN – EARLY EVENING
OUR HERO grabs the ice cube tray from the freezer then walks to sink on opposite end of the kitchen to fill PRINCESS’s cup.
OUR HERO
Bunny, can you close the freezer door for daddy?
PRINCESS
Sure!
OUR HERO turns his back to PRINCESS, popping heart-shaped ice cubes out of tray straight into Dora the Explorer cup. He’s clearly done this a million times, with ice flying out of the tray and landing in the cup from half a foot away, COCKTAILesque.
PRINCESS (from behind OUR HERO, smiling like The Joker)
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
OUR HERO turns around, sees PRINCESS hanging from the freezer door, swinging like a little monkey as it closes.
OUR HERO
Oh, bunny, please don’t do that!
PRINCESS (smile fading)
Why?
OUR HERO
Because the freezer door might break.
PRINCESS
Why?
OUR HERO
Because it’s not a swing. It wasn’t designed to swing on it.
PRINCESS (Confused)
Why?
OUR HERO (Running out of answers)
Bunny, if you break it, we’ll have to buy a new one, then we won’t have money for dollies.
PRINCESS
But George did it on his freezer and it was fun and it broke and Tophamhat* bought a new one and it was all better!
OUR HERO (Beaten)
…
FADE OUT
And so I need to win the lottery so I’ll have enough money to replace however many freezers Her Whyness might break while swinging from their doors, because it totally looked like fun and, if I thought there was a snowball’s chance in Hell that they could support my weight without falling on top of me and turning me into a finalist for the next Darwin Award, I’d join her.
And so I can have whoever wrote that episode of Curious George whacked.
*Ani uses the same name for Sir Topham Hatt and The Man With the Yellow Hat.
