Damn it all to Hell.
So there are few groups of people I enjoy belittling more than Portland cyclists. Think I made that pretty clear in this post back in April.
And yet, here I am, sitting at my desk and looking at a bike helmet. One that was, a couple of hours ago, protecting my invaluable cranium.
While I was riding a bike.
Yes, folks, as of this morning, I’ve officially become a Portland Cyclist. Shit sticks.
Frankly, I’m as shocked as you are. I mean, I’m the laziest fuck I know, more than content to sit on my ass with a beer, an XL All Meat grease-bomb pizza, and a 12 hour Star Trek: Voyager marathon. Couple that with my previously mentioned fear and loathing of cyclists and, well, let’s just say it’s amazing that I managed to throw my ass on a bike at 6 o’clock in the AM and ride a hair over 10 miles before a lot of people have had their morning coffee.
Oh, yeah. Ten miles. I skipped that ride-to-the-train-station-until-I’m-in-shape step I mentioned last week (you remember, the post with Fat Hairy Ass Crack Dude picture?) in favor of the balls-out bike-the-whole-way-in approach. I made a test run on Saturday morning to scope out the route, then went for it this morning.
And I’ve already knocked 10 minutes off my time. Of course, that has more to do with the fact that I kept getting lost on the way in on Saturday than any actual improvement… Funny how different the city looks on a bike versus in a car, or even on foot. I might know how to walk or drive from Point A to Point B blindfolded and drunk, but trying to figure out how to get around via bike paths and lanes was a little awkward.
Thankfully, though, there some damn fine resources around here that help soften the blow for us bike newbs. Like this Cycling the Cities map that shows how to get around in both Portland and Vancouver (picked up a hard copy of it from the Vancouver City Hall). Or this kick ass Bicycle Trip Planner that, if you’re lucky enough to live in Portland, Oregon or Milwaukee, Wisconsin, will help you plot out bike friendly routes via a swell Google Maps mashup.
The commute itself isn’t too bad. Takes a little less than an hour to get from my garage to the bike rack inside our building, or roughly the same amount of time as my drive/train/walk commute. Cool thing about that is that I don’t have to get up any earlier to bike in than I normally would. I just wait to shower once I arrive at the office instead of doing so as soon as I get up. And, since I’m already wide-awake from the trip in and I’m showering in a public place (the locker room in my building), my showers are shorter than they are at home. Added saving-water-hippie-environmentalist bonus points.
As for the actual ride, most of it’s pretty leisurely. Sure, crossing the I-5 bridge is a bit of pain (it’s cold and windy and uphill halfway), but that comes with its own reward: once you reach the crest of the bridge, you get to fly down the other side. It’s a little spooky, barreling down a small walkway with freeway traffic and steel I-beams on one side and the Columbia River on the other, but it’s a blast, too. It’s like heading through the Death Star trench at full throttle (especially when you’re shouting various Star Wars lines to yourself while avoiding certain death). Just like Beggar’s Canyon back home.
Oh, and there’s a mile-ish stretch heading south on Vancouver Avenue (which is oh-so-intuitively in Portland…) that tends to kill my legs right now. Just a slight uphill grade, but it lasts long enough that I can definitely feel it by the time things level out.
After that, though, it’s smooth sailing. Pretty much all downhill on a pleasant, tree-lined street until I get to the Rose Garden. Weird navigating through there, but once I figure out how to get past that area without zigzagging back-and-forth like I just jumped out of a Benny Hill episode, I’m home free. And I have the choice of either crossing the Steel Bridge right away and ending the commute with a mile or so along Waterfront Park, or zipping along the Eastside Esplanade and crossing on the Hawthorne Bridge just a block or so from my office.
So, dearest readers, now that I’m a veteran, let me impart a couple bits of wisdom I’ve learned in the last two days:
- Don’t buy cheap shit. Seriously. The first helmet I bought was this Schwinn thing at Target. Figured that I didn’t want to spend a lot of money up front when I didn’t know how long this would last, so I went to my favorite retail store to pick one up. Big mistake.
A clip on the first helmet broke the first day I had it. Exchanged it for a new one. Same clip broke on the exchanged helmet the first time I used that one, and the colored candy shell on top popped off by the time I made it to the office. After I returned that one, I found this Giro bike helmet for only like ten bucks more (granted, on sale) at a sports store. Much, much better.
Besides… you’re biking now. The shit will pay for itself in no time just with the money you save on gas. I figure to save about $5 each day between gas and train tickets.
- Expect Pain. And not just the unused-muscles-finally-getting-some-lovin’ kind. Things will hurt. Like the part where my ass meets the seat? That taint-meets-butt-cleavage part? Fucking OUCH.
- Leave what you can at the office. These first couple of days kinda suck, since I have to bring in absolutely everything I’m going to need. Change of clothes, toiletries, shoes, etc. Weighs you down, makes things a little awkward as you’re locking stuff up, dragging multiple bags around. I’m going to leave two pairs of worky, dressier shoes (one black, one brown) in the office from now on. Sure, I’ll look like a dork wearing my gym shoes from the locker room up the elevator, but I can deal with that. ‘Sides, I’ll be carrying the helmet, so people will know I’m not that kind of retarded. Just the biking kind.
I also bought one of those neato little bike computers that tell you your speed, distance traveled, etc. Being a Big Fat Dork and all, I love geeking out on statistics like that. I’ve created a Google Docs spreadsheet to keep track of it all (see the Bike Log link in the upper-left). Not that you really care if my fat ass biked, drove, or teleported in, but the log helps motivate me, especially since other people could potentially see when I was lazy.
Oh, and added bonus? The bike route avoids that crane that has it in for me altogether. So, as long as I ride the bike, I don’t have to worry about anything like Death By Honey Bucket:
Nothing like walking under floating boxes of shit in the morning.
