No introduction I could ever write would be worthy of this invention. It’s… God, it’s just beautiful. This patent needs to be granted ASAP and production must begin immediately. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…
Toilet Seat Cover Scale Device*
Screw curing cancer, we need to get our top minds on this right now. NOW, God damn it!
The Toilet Seat Cover Scale Device is exactly what the name implies:
A toilet seat cover scale device for weighing a person or an object includes, in combination, a toilet seat cover including hinges for hinged attachment to a toilet seat, a scale mechanism connected to the toilet seat cover, the scale mechanism having at least two force sensors located on a bottom of the toilet seat cover for contact with a toilet seat when the toilet seat cover is attached to a toilet seat and is in a closed position.
That’s right. No more of that pesky standing. You just sit your ass down on the cover and it tells you how much your fat ass weighs. Sure, we don’t have flying cars or lunar colonies yet, but modern science is this fucking close to giving us toilet scales. Beautiful.
Of course, there are some flaws with this patent application, but nothing that can’t be fixed with a few minor modifications.
First, this design integrates the scale into the seat cover, but how much more ass would this thing kick if you moved that to the seat itself? Think about it. You make the seat itself the scale and move the read out to the front so you can see it while you’re doing your business. I’m sure that, like me, you all weigh yourself before each and every bomb you drop, right? Now imagine getting real time poo data! It blows my fucking mind, man.
Second, this is 2008, yo. And in 2008, everything comes with WiFi access. Why shouldn’t your Toilet Scale?
Imagine that, in addition to giving you the goods, this thing transmits the weight your movements directly to the desktop! Just imagine the possibilities… Track your poo trends, compare high scores online with pooers around the world, issue challenges against commie pooers? No need to wonder how your poo compares to that of shitters in Zimbabwe anymore. We have the technology to give you that information RIGHT NOW!
Third, I need feedback on my results, delivered instantly and audibly. That means speakers and the ability to play different prerecorded effects. Drop a bomb worth writing home about? The Toilet Scale should give you props right away. Or maybe you just let loose a weak little nugget or two? The Toilet Scale should belittle and/or encourage you to do better next time.
Out of the box, I’m envisioning a few different voices to choose from. First, there’s the lovable, friendly Dick Van Dyke-style voice with the bad cockney accent. “‘Ello, gov’ner! Got a nice loaf fer me taday, do ya?” and “Well, I might be a ‘umble chimney sweep, but I knows a good crap whens I sees one!” Maybe the occasional song, too, about your more substantial offerings.
Or how about the hoity-toity Commodore, who compares your weak stool to the storied bombs dropped by Admiral Lord Nelson before Trafalgar?
Or maybe the deceptively prissy-voiced Giles/Wyndam-Price type who sounds like a ponce but could, if necessary, and with tremendous skill and impecable manners, fuck your shit up?
And if the thought of Englishmen commenting on your twosies makes you clinch up, why, just use that WiFi access to download new themes! Who wouldn’t want to hear this after setting a personal record? Or maybe this when you aren’t up to your personal standard? The possibilities are endless.
So get out there. Write to your congressman. March in the streets (God knows people in Portland have does so for less…). Do whatever it takes to make this a reality.
*Fat props to Google Patent Search for delivering the goods.
