Over on the east side of Vancouver, in the part of town that actually does fit the Vantuckey mental image that Portland hipsters have of this side of the river, there’s a pizza joint that wants you dead.
Don’t get me wrong, the folks at Juliano’s are nice enough. Been there a few times and none of them have pulled a gun or tried to run me down in the parking lot, which is more than I can say for most people I’ve interacted with more than once or twice. But let’s just face facts: their pizza will fuck your shit up.
Behold, the Hefty Ho!:
The only Hefty Ho the Mrs. would approve for the Boy's 14th birthday.
The 389 cows and pigs killed to make this one pizza will get their revenge soon enough. Undoubtedly, just looking at that picture’s making my cholesterol shoot up another 30 points. Eating it probably knocked 800 years off my life.
Sure, the description in their menu sounds innocuous enough:
The Hefty Ho!
Pepperoni, Canadian Bacon, Ham, L inguica, and Sausage
But what they fail to tell you is that they pack on about 17 pounds of each. Seriously, a cross-section of that bastard looks almost exactly like this:
I know, I should totally be an artist or something.
Who cares, though. It’s yummy.