Pirate Captain Anikka from Justin S on Vimeo.

First off…  O…M…F…G.

LOVED it.  Really was scared that I wouldn’t, in all honesty.  I grew up watching TOS reruns on KPTV as a kid.  One of my prized possessions as a pre-K lad was a Captain Kirk cup.  And I still think that the original series was the best of them all.

Suffice it to say, I was more than a little weary when I heard that JJ Abrams was going to fuck with my childhood memories.

But you know what?  Mr. Abrams knocked it out of the park.

Sure, the movie isn’t flawless.  In fact, when I sit back with my nerd hat on I can find plenty of nits to pick (I’ll share those a little later).  But good things about the movie were plenty good enough to overshadow the bad.

Ok, so the things I really liked:

1. The opening sequence.

   I don’t mind admitting that I got a little teary when Kirk the Elder heroically rams the USS Kelvin into the Romulans just after hearing the first cries of the son he’ll never see over the comm link.The action itself was a little fast-cutty for me, but the emotional aspect made me overlook it.  I really didn’t want to, either.  In fact, I rolled my eyes when they first showed Mrs. Kirk being wheeled off the turbolift.  But the exchange between the two of them and the heroic ending for Papa Kirk made up for it.

2. The principal actors.

   Wow.  Ok, if there isn’t an Academy Award for casting, let’s go ahead and just make one up now.  April Webster and Alyssa Weisberg, congratulations.  You’re the first winners of the Neverbeencooly for Casting.

   Chris Pine as James Tiberius Kirk?  A+.  Zachary Quinto as Spock?  A.  Bruce Greenwood as Christopher Pike?  A+.  Simon Pegg as Scotty?  A++++ (though docked a few pluses due to lack of screen time).

   Seriously, down the line, these people do their respective roles justice.  And again, this is coming from someone who used to be able to identify a TOS episode by plot and, often, name within about 13 seconds of flipping it on.

3. Karl Urban.

   I know, I already mentioned the principal actors above, but I have to give special props to Karl Urban.  He fucking channels DeForest Kelly in a way I didn’t think possible.  The moment he steps onto the shuttle and starts complaining about space travel, you know this man IS Leonard McCoy.

   And OMG, I just looked up Karl Urban on IMDB and had no fucking clue this was the same guy who played one of my favorite roles in the Lord of the Rings trilogy:

   

   There's a slight chance I might be developing a man-crush on Karl Urban.

4. The Nerd Nods

   I really didn’t want to like these, either, but I found myself chuckling every time.

   • When McCoy screams “Damn it, I’m a doctor not a…” and “Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!” I laughed.
   • When Scotty yells over the comm that “I’m givin’ her all she’s got, Captain!”  I laughed.
   • When Quinto pulled the signature Nimoy/Spock moves, I chuckled.
   • When I noticed the Red Shirt in the shuttle with Kirk and Sulu, I smiled knowing exactly what fate had in store for him.
   • Oh, and the fact that the scenes on Vulcan were almost certainly shot at Vasquez Rocks, the backdrop for several TOS episodes, made my day (haven’t confirmed this, though).

   I ate it all up.

5. The Kobayashi Maru
   
   Technically I suppose you could call this a Nerd Nod, but like Urban’s McCoy, this sequence was good enough to deserve its own listing.

   When I was a kid, one of my favorite parts of my favorite Star Trek movie (Wrath of Khan, duh) was the opening sequence with the Kobayashi Maru simulation.  I loved the whole idea, and I loved that Kirk was the only cadet ever to have beaten the no-win scenario (something he admits later in the movie he did by cheating).

   So now Abrams shows us what happened, and the scene is brilliant.  Pine’s Kirk is hilariously smug as he nonchalantly munches on his apple, lazily giving orders while his fellow cadets look on in wonder (reminiscent, again, of Shatner’s Kirk munching down in the Genesis cave in ST II and telling the original story).  Everything about the scene is brilliant.

I could go on, but I wanted to get to the shit that annoyed me before this post got completely out of hand.

1. The Plot

   The story itself was actually pretty weak.  A lot happens, but it’s just sorta blown over.  I mean, for fuck’s sake, VULCAN WAS DESTROYED and quickly became an after thought.  Thankfully, the charisma of the actors themselves makes up for it enough that you don’t really notice how weak the actual story is.

2. The Villains

   All the Romulans, Nero on down, are tools.  This whole movie could have been shot without ever showing a single one of them.  I didn’t care about them one way or another.

3. The complete disregard for rank, age, etc.
   

Ok, this last one was my biggest issue going in and remains my biggest nerd pet peeve after.

So Kirk finishes the 4-year Star Fleet curriculum in three years.  Fine, I get that.  But at graduation, Mr. Kirk should have been a very lowly ensign.  Meanwhile, they’re referring to various other characters with much higher ranks.  Spock is already a commander, Uhura is a lieutenant, etc.  Fuck, when Kirk steps on the Enterprise for the first time, he’s technically still on academic probation and hasn’t even earned his commission yet.

Somehow, though, Pike decides to make Kirk first officer under his absense?   Hell, Uhura was already a lieutenant.  She outranked Kirk by a ways.

Don’t understand that, either, by the way.  If Uhura was already a lieutenant, what was she doing as a student at Star Fleet academy?

Worse yet, at the end of the movie, Kirk is not only promoted (straight to captain) but is given a command of his own?  And that command is Star Fleets fancy new flagship?  Have to throw the bullshit flag on that one.

I can buy that Kirk would’ve received a commendation.  Shit, I can even buy that they would have promoted him straight to lieutenant.  But to have him jump over every other officer in the fleet to get the primo command in the Federation after one little engagement?  No way.  Can’t suspend my nerdly disbelief THAT much.

Once again, though, this is all nitpicking.  Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and I’m looking forward to seeing what they’ll do with the franchise in the future.  Whatever it is, I hope that every person involved with this first flick stays attached.

I stared at this sign during the entire train ride home the other day, the big ol’ grammar error irritating me more than the smell of the drunk homeless guy who practically gave me a lap dance as he plopped down in the vacant seat next to me.

"to ...vandalizes TriMet property"

Wonder if they’d consider it vandalizing TriMet property if I busted out the big fucking red pen and corrected the sign?

If there is an upside to illin’, though, it’s the fact that it forces me to step out of my usual Busy-and-Important lifestyle and address some my backlog of neglected tasks.  Important stuff, too, such as:

• Researching the shelf life of Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets.*
• Debating the sexual orientation of DJ Lance Rock with the Mrs.**

I'd kill for DJ Lance's job.

• And going through pictures that were sitting on my camera for months.

I seem to take a lot of pictures of things that drive me bat shit nuts.  Like this guy, who woke up one morning thinking it would be a good idea to throw on the wetsuit and paddle a surfboard, gondola-style, down the nasty ass Willamette River in the middle of December:

And representing the latter half of my Love/Hate relationship with Portland...

Or this woman, driving the only car more stereotypically “Portland” than the Outback (or, possibly, beat up Volvo wagons).

With a fucking Harry Potter bumper sticker:

I actually like the Prius, but now I know I can never ever drive one.  Same thing has happened with my wife and the VW Beetle.  She loves the car, but every time she sees another middle-aged woman driving one she dies a little inside.

Wonder if the Prius driver was the same middle-aged woman who pissed me off on the MAX last year…  the one who was pumping her fists and yelling “YES!!!” aloud while she read the last Harry Potter book?

Or are there more of them?  Do I live in an area that somehow attracts the middle-aged Harry Potter fan?  Is there something in the water here that makes them think the whole “Keep Portland Weird” mantra means their pedophilial obsession with a teenaged boy wizard is “OK?”

*Random strangers on the Intertubes claim anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months.  I called the Taco Bell customer service line for official word, but they wouldn’t tell me.  Cover up?

**For the record, I come down in the straight-and-just-a-bit-flamboyant column.  Wifey thinks queer-as-a-three-dollar-bill.

That’s all I hear today.

Squeak.
Stomp.

My right shoe is squeaking every time I take a step.

Squeak.
Stomp.

Started first thing this morning, soon as I stepped off the train.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

Get up to walk to the bathroom?

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

Need a book from the shelf on the other side of my office?

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

According to my little pedometer, I’ve taken 4417 steps today.

Squeak.
Stomp.

Figure at least 4000 of those came after I started my walk from the Yellow Line around 7:30am.

Squeak.
Stomp.

That means I’ve heard about 2000 Squeaks already.

Squeak.
Stomp.

And even if I’m lazy tonight, I’ll hear at least another 1000 before I can get home and change my shoes.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

Hence the title.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

Pretty sure I’ll be gnawing off my foot at the ankle before 5 just to make the squeaking stop.

Squeak.
Stomp.

Then, of course, I’ll need a prosthetic.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

And if I’m going to have a prosthetic I’m getting a fucking pegleg.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

Unless bionic legs have come down in price.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

But six million dollars is slightly out of the budget right now.

Squeak.
Stomp.
Squeak.
Stomp.

So pegleg it is.

Click.
Stomp.
Click.
Stomp.

Don’t get me wrong, the folks at Juliano’s are nice enough.  Been there a few times and none of them have pulled a gun or tried to run me down in the parking lot, which is more than I can say for most people I’ve interacted with more than once or twice.  But let’s just face facts: their pizza will fuck your shit up.

Behold, the Hefty Ho!:

The only Hefty Ho the Mrs. would approve for the Boy's 14th birthday.

The 389 cows and pigs killed to make this one pizza will get their revenge  soon enough.  Undoubtedly, just looking at that picture’s making my cholesterol shoot up another 30 points.  Eating it probably knocked 800 years off my life.

Sure, the description in their menu sounds innocuous enough:

The Hefty Ho!
Pepperoni, Canadian Bacon, Ham, L inguica, and Sausage

But what they fail to tell you is that they pack on about 17 pounds of each.  Seriously, a cross-section of that bastard looks almost exactly like this:

I know, I should totally be an artist or something.

Who cares, though.  It’s yummy.

Now we know what God did on the 8th day.

According to Ben’s Biz Blog (by way of Fark.com):

The “Fifth Third Burger” (so-called because the Whitecaps play in Fifth Third Ballpark) is 5/3 pounds of grilled hamburger topped with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. Saddled with the heroic task of holding it all together is an eight-inch sesame seed bun.

Amen.

See, this morning, my friend Aaron told me about a new burger joint among the food carts in downtown Portland, place called Brunch Box.  In Aaron’s words (and my emphasis):

Yesterday I had a $5 burger which was a burger/lettuce/tomato/onion/condiments sandwiched between two grilled cheese sandwiches (instead of a bun)

After the CPR, it was great.

Clearly, my friends, I had to drop everything, head down to the carts, and bask in its greasy glory.

Behold, the Brunch Box’s YOUCANHASCHEESEBURGER:

You know it's gonna be good when the grease smears the ink on the wrapper.

Glorious.

The sacrifices I make for you people, taking this picture when I could have been throwing the fucking thing down my throat already. You OWE me, America.

Diet Coke - Because I'm trying to lose weight.

First impression?  NOM NOM NOM NOM fucking NOM.   Delicious.

Burger itself was tasty, even if it was a little smaller than you might expect.  Didn’t even fill up the bun.  But who cares when the rest of that “bun” is two fucking grilled cheese sandwiches?

The rest of the menu sounds pretty damn good, too:

And when you all decide to pay me back for my years of being completely fucking awesome by taking me here for lunch, I’m totally ordering the Redonkadonk:

You have to sign a waiver before you can order it.

Burger, egg, ham, bacon AND SPAM?!

The friendly heart-attack dealers at the cart showed me a picture of the Redonkadonk while I was waiting for my meager YOUCANHASCHEESEBURGER.  Someone had ordered it this afternoon, the first time one of their customers dared do so since they opened.

And it was beautiful.  So big they couldn’t wrap it without using masking tape to hold the paper together like the most spectaular Christmas present ever.  They said they’re going to start wrapping it in twine, but something tells me a little bit o’ hemp won’t be enough to contain it’s awesofantasmorificism.

If you need me next week, just look for the guy in the gutter with the exploded heart, greasy wrapper in hand, and big ol’ grin on his face.

I don’t know what Matt’s writing about these days that made Google’s algorithm think this one would hit home with his readers.

But, of course, I had to check it out.  And I regret it.  If you’re looking for an excuse to drink today, you should head over to their online store, too.

Oh, and I didn’t have the nerve to check out the message boards over there.  The keepsakes did enough for my imagination.

Now excuse me while I think of excuses to get out of the rest of my afternoon and head home to spend time with my daughter.